my selections-some stories & facts
! a try to learn from the life of the others ...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
"The End"
no topic
“Did you like it?”
“It was entertaining. But too realistic. Why don’t you make the next one a little more abstract”.
“But it is you who paints the abstract. How could I attempt painting at this point in my life.”
“No, …..but what I mean is, why can’t you adopt an abstract style for your ‘pen-picture’?”
I continued to smile. (Indeed, to know how to smile is a great art in itself. As man matures, he begins to develop infinite shade and nuance in his smiles). So with a smile, I bid Bangdelji goodbye, and shrugged off his suggestion.
Vyatithji was holding the cover design for Himani. In the same way that the name Himani immediately evokes Vyatith’s penmanship, I instantly recognized Bangel’s brushwork. “You use your pen so skillfully”, he says, “you could finish writing something for me in just a day or two, in time to publish this issue for Dasain. You know I am going abroad to do it.”
I continued to smile. (It is an art to know how to smile. Indeed, if you don’t know which smile to employ at the right time, you would suffer as though you were in tears.) With a smile I bid Vyatithji goodbye, and tried to shrug off his suggestion too.
But neither Vyatith, nor Bangdel, Himani or Abstract would leave my mind. The mind is a strange beast…and once an idea takes seed, it is difficult to get rid of it. In fact, the harder you try, a struggle develops between the individual and the individuality of the idea itself. And eventually, the form in which it emerges from your mind is changed subtly from when you first conceived it. So I began to play with the idea, to see where it would lead me.
Vyatithji, just as Krishna allowed Yashoda to view the entire universe by simply opening his mouth wide, please be ready to view my universe. But do you really wish to observe the contents of my mind? To begin with, I must remind you of this: I am a thinker inhabiting the 20th century (of the western calendar), from a middle class family, and married; I am a father, young and healthy, progressive in thought and a model citizen. I am also intensely anxious, and I face many problems.
The biggest problem being: I stand here on my small ten bigha of land. It is bordered on one side by the traditions of my ancestors, and on the other I am bound by the trust of my children. I am delighted by the flight of Sputnik. I am proud when the Russians unfurl their hammer and sickle on moondust, as proud as though Khrushchev himself came to borrow the hammer and sickle from my house. However, during a lunar eclipse, I fret about being touched by a pregnant woman, and expiate by giving generous alms to beggars and sweepers, acting as magnanimous as though Maharaj Manu himself was the patriarch of the Lamichhane clan. I stay informed of all sorts of news, reading the Gorkhapatra, Newsweek and Time, and further supplement my reading with Filmare and Romance. I garner nuggets of truth within each piece of news. I am plagued by Marilyn Monroe’s suicide, weighed down by the problems of Elizabeth Taylor’s latest affair. The death of Dag Hammarskjold, the affairs of UNO chief U Thant, the Cold War, Laos, Suez, the Golan, Kashmir, Malay, Iran, Ceylon…all such problems beset my mind. I just finished Henry Miller’s “Tropic of Cancer”, and now am worried, where am I going to find “Capricorn”? I hear Sir Winston Churchill has a broken limb, and am concerned, will it heal or not? What is Nepal going to say in the UNO? Who will get the vote in the Congo? My son has finally recovered from typhoid, but I hear it is Ekadashi both today and tomorrow, so I don’t know whether I can buy meat at all. A scientist has been successful in transforming grass into milk; a terrorist has crossed the border and shot somebody; there was an attempt to assassinate the premier of France; how is the Algerian problem to be resolved? I have been reading “Myth of Sisyphus” by Albert Camus, and Camus himself is from Algeria; Telstar now has begun broadcasting television in Europe; meanwhile, the jyapu from the neighboring field has just died; he used to ask me ‘ja nai dhuna la, bajye?’ the jyapu had no children, and Bangdel too has none. But Bangdel asks me to write in an abstract style, just like his cover art in Himani, very similar to the language of Vyatith…..
Enmeshed in, and limited by this multitude of ramblings, I hold on to my individuality, fenced within this ten bigha of land. So understand, you Vyatiths and you Bangdels, that this, my life, is in itself an abstract; that with this life’s abstraction I am continually distracted, and it is this abstraction I continually try to deflect. Each day my morning begins with, “We need money to buy fresh vegetables”, and each day my afternoon is spent searching for sources of this money; each day my evening concludes with “I am a little more exhausted today”. Every day, someone known to me dies, and I spend a little time trying to forget his death. Every day I remember a little of the past; every day I anticipate a little of the future, and every day I evaluate the present. Every day, I barter, buy and sell, pawn and redeem, my confidence, my beliefs and my desires. “Our servant is being cheated by Sukuchha, the butcher, did you see the meat today, nothing but bones..”; “today the milk is so watered down….”; “firewood has become so expensive and yet it is so wet..” all these complaints, brought to me in desperation by the wife, the cook and the child, these are the very complaints which define my boundaries. On top of which, I burden myself with additional worries; such as, Nehru’s proclamation in Parliament today…is there any truth in it? Khrushchev’s action in Berlin, how will it affect the world? Where will the next World War begin? How many children will live their lives in darkness because of the effects of Thalidomide? Where did Alfred Noyes end up dying? I hear that he always wished to die on the mountains.
Bangdelji, whose life is not an abstract? What person’s life is not abhorrent to himself, until he learns to deaden the horror of living by being simply mute? Who does not experience acute despair, until he learns to mask it, bury it behind smiles? Vyatithji, which person does not feel greed and envy, until Nara himself finally extinguishes his life? This is no longer the satyayuga of rishis and seers. Today, every alert living being claims an intellect which is no less than the infinite form of Krishna.
Every human being is a god today. A god, who creates his own world employing deceit, envy, betrayal, murder, legality, obligation, superstition, faith, devotion and ignorance. God today is not confined to a particular religion, but finds expression in Christ, Mohammed and Buddha. Today, god is also diplomatic, like a Brahmin purohit,…. just like the accommodating purohit who responds, “Of course, why not sir…” when we request, “Could we not use this shortcut purohitji?...” God, today, is anti-god just like Buddha. Today, we make use of god, just like we use birth control. If we need his presence he appears, if we don’t, he is conveniently absent. Whatever dose of god is required, that is the very amount prescribed. When he is needed for Poetry he appears as Meter; when he is needed for divine Hymns, he appears as sacred Vocabulary; when he is needed for Sycophancy, he is present as the Encyclopedia; he is the Destitute in Urdu, the Compassionate in Sanskrit, and of course the Consummate in purest Bhanu Bhakta Nepali. As I was saying, man has become god today, and is replete with all the godly virtues. He has appropriated all the virtues, except one, which man has irrevocably lost, the virtue of being human. He is no longer that honest man, who lives his life remaining true to being a man, to die in the end, simply a man.
This man of today, the one who has lost humanity but has not yet achieved divinity, if this is the man you seek Vyatithji and Bangdelji, please come see me. No other greater “inhuman” person will you find; certainly no one who will expose himself as I am willing to. Vyatithji, how can I explain it? I am not labeling myself “inhuman” in rage. Look, since I call myself Hindu I am by instinct, polytheistic; nevertheless, I am also drawn to Christ, Buddha and Mohammed. I delight equally, in the veneration of God, as well as all the historical atrocities that have been committed in God’s names. If not for those atrocities, those Crusades, those Shankaracharya persecutions, those victorious conversions by Asoka’s ambassadors, those jihads by Tuglag Shah…if not for all that, then how could the Vyatiths become Hindu, the Bangdels Christian and the Shankar’s Muslim? And I would have ended a mere believer in all, and a devotee of none. How could I possibly say Om Brahmasma, when instead of believing in the Self, I only have faith in the Other?
It is because, Vyatithji, I am not a man of the present. I am a man who is yet to be born, a thousand years from today. And in that distant future, these limitations of nationality, religion, faith and politics will no longer exist.
I tell you now, why I still stand on my ten bigha of land. It is because, simply, I have no desire to be restricted by your definitions. I have no wish to be tainted by your colors. If I cross these boundaries, I will be forced to adopt citizenship, and this is why I prefer to remain an alien, without any citizenship at all. I simply exist, and am myself, that very frontier which separates present from the past, and the past from the future.
You must have seen it. It is a five faced linga, set within that ten bigha of land, undefined, unadorned and bare of any devotee’s offerings. Yet if that linga had to be removed, it would require the greatest sacrifice, that of blood. Bangdelji, do you see the color of that frontier? Is it white as in the boundary marking lattha, brown as in the earth, or red as in the lines on a map? Does it flow like the river, or is it cloaked like the mountain peak? When you transform these lines of distinction into abstract art, Bangdelji, only then will I attempt to express my thoughts in the abstract style.
Until you are capable of doing so, and while you remain unsuccessful, I also wish to remain undefined. If I did express myself in the abstract style today, then you would have to go back to the ambiance in Paris to fully comprehend it. In order to understand my abstract character, you will have to commit to memory, “One Day” all over again.
This is why I continue to smile.
And this is why, in my smile, there are subtle variations. One smile is for Vyatith, one for Bangdel, and one for my son.
And so I continue to live. Simply because I have, as yet, portrayed others and myself always with truth, and with realism. And in a realistic depiction, I would be an onion; drenched with color, twisted within layers, eternally pungent and profound.
Today, even Krishna can take on the cosmic form of an onion. So Bangdelji, draw a still life of an onion. And Vyatithji, compose an epic upon an onion. Your creations will be truly monumental. They will be authentic expressions of today’s individual and today’s society, in all its eternal desolation. And within that same painting and epic, I too may find eternal life.
If that painting or epic is not created today, then tomorrow, with the inevitable passing of Himani, Bangdel and Shankar, the future will have lost all memory of our existence.
…In the same way, a thousand years from now, all of these very distinctions too will dissolve.
Bernardsville
New Jersey, USA
June, 200
“Krantiko Pahilo Charan”
-The First Phase of Rebellion –
Translated by Deep Lamichhane
Kanchhi, don't make any lunch for me today.
I am in the bathroom. I hear my son's voice from the nearby kitchen. I begin to think - what could be the reason for his unusual demand? Had there been, by any chance, any misunderstanding between him and the housemaid?
(Actually, I should have perhaps begun this story by informing you about my son's age, his personality and features, and my own position in this society. Will it not suffice to say that he is nine or ten years old, attends an English-medium school as a day-scholar, and carries his school lunch from home every day? He is good-looking, maybe far too good-looking, and, additionally, he is extremely adorable – this, perhaps, is an opinion of a doting father! As a writer, my heart can be quite sensitive - which, again, may be a logical thing to expect. Also, it could be that, since my own childhood was entangled in countless difficulties and struggles, I may only be trying to make his life as comfortable as possible. I am the head of a middle-class family, living in the year 2020 B.S. (1963 A.D.), here in Kathmandu, Nepal. (Who knows? I could even resemble someone like you.)
As I squeeze the toothpaste onto my tooth-brush, my irritation begins to escalate. However, I manage to gently open the bathroom door and proceed silently towards the kitchen.
Listen, Kanchhi, I told you already. Don't pack any lunch for me. It will only go to waste.
Kanchhi sees me entering the kitchen. In an even more cajoling manner she asks, How will you manage without eating anything throughout the day, babu? You will surely be hungry later on in the afternoon. Shall I make something that you like?
You don't have to make anything for me, and I don't want to eat anything right now, either.
I quietly enter the kitchen. Everyone inside becomes aware of my presence. The mood intensifies a little. There is some tension in the air. My son lathers his face with soap. But the energy he applies when he scrubs his face indicates that he wants to pretend he is unaware of my existence in the room. I too begin to brush my teeth more vigorously. (Perhaps, in response to his behavior, it is my own way of trying to make my presence felt - otherwise, why should there be this sudden alteration in the way I normally brush my teeth?) Hastily, as if in a flash, I reduce the speed of my brushing and bring it back to its normal rate. My son, meanwhile, rinses his lathered face under the faucet. He then washes his hair. Kanchhi, in the meantime, is busy doing her usual chores.
I have told you, Kanchhi!, he says as he rises up from the faucet. Only then does he pretend that he sees me. (If he can act as if he has only just seen me, I too can put on a face of an ignoramus!)
What have you already said? I ask ignorantly. But I fear that there is a faint, abnormal shrill in my voice. Could, by any chance, my awareness of the situation have come across in the tone of my voice?
I don't need my lunch today, he replies, as if there is nothing unusual in what he is saying. As if this conversation does not need to continue further with specific details. As if his words should be accepted as the final truth, and not be discussed any more.
Why? I continue pretending to be in the dark. I look at his face, and see that he was expecting me to ask him this question. Nevertheless, he pretends to act as if he had not expected me to question him at all.
I don't feel like eating today. Thus, he hurls yet another truth at me. (The Divine Truth?) His expression suggests that there are no more reasons to debate this matter. As if the crisis has been resolved by his words, I don't feel like it. What else could there be that needed to be asked about, or replied to?
As I plan to modify my approach to resolve this impasse, Kanchhi blurts out, Last night you insisted on eating too much, and that is probably why you don’t want to eat anything right now. But you will surely be hungry later.
As he dries his face with a towel, he confronts this assault from another flank with glaring eyes and, with intense anger, turns around, stomps out of the room, and climbs up the stairs. I rinse my mouth, wondering how I should unravel this perplexing situation. How could I determine what was actually going on inside his mind? Time is very limited. I also do not want to lose my temper. After all, it is considered improper to show anger at one’s own.
A Shouldn’t I prepare the lunch, then? Kanchhi asks me.
A No, make it! I say. Upstairs, he changes into his school uniform as I continue trying to comprehend the reasons behind all this confusion. While I comb my hair, he gets dressed. I notice that, today, he is trying to get ready quickly in order to leave for school earlier than usual. The grip on his freshly laundered shorts seems to have flattened and he is trying to widen it. I notice all this reflected on the mirror in front of me. He fetches a pair of pliers and tries to insert them between the flattened clasps, looking up at me after each unsuccessful attempt. His continued failure provides me with a little more time to think, while I am frantically try to get dressed myself and, at the same time, also trying to look like I am in no hurry at all. I deliberately avoid looking at him, although I can see his every move from the corner of my eyes.
Kanchhi brings our breakfast into the room. As usual, the food is placed in the middle of the room. And, as always, the entire family sits down around the dishes. However, could one not act as if the food had not been served at all? Couldn’t one pretend not to have either looked at or even seen what was placed right in front of their own eyes. That is exactly what he does.
His mother says to him, Come on, don't you have to eat?”
If the eyes can decide not to see, is it not possible for the ears to also choose not to hear? He decides to do exactly that as well.
The tension in the room is amplified. All eyes are now focused on me. As if they unanimously want me resolve this prevailing apprehension and discomfort. Yet, here I am, acting as if nothing unusual has occurred here, today, in this room, among the members of our small family. As if all this was merely an everyday occurrence. I pick up my tea and go stand by the window. The view of the city is clear outside, with the bright sun glaring over the rooftops. Also visible is the blue haze of smoke shimmering over the roofs, the lush green fields, and the sparrows and mynahs flitting about in search of their morning meal in the garden out front. But, behind these eyes, in the deep recesses of my mind, an explosion is about to take place; the fuse has been lit. It's only a matter of time, it is only the silent wait before the length of the fuse burns out.
By now, I realize I cannot go ahead without disrupting my assumed tranquility. But how was I to maneuver the situation, and steer it to my own advantage?
His mother opines, It's you who has spoiled him. You never reprimand him, and now he stomps all over you. Her voice trembles from the anger growing inside her. It is not difficult to lose one’s temper. I too can do that. I could get angry, perhaps even punish him physically. He might cry, eat his food sobbing, and then go to school wiping his tear filled eyes. But is that the answer? This method has been applied by misguided parents since thousands of years in the past. Yet, how will that eradicate the root cause of the problem? I want to arrive at the solution in a different manner.
You still have not eaten your food. Hurry up!, my wife interjects.
Why do you persist if he really does not want to eat his breakfast? I tell her and, turning to him, I ask, Do you or don't you want to eat?
No, I don’t, he answers.
Then you don't have to eat, I decide.
A red flush of victory rises over his face. (But for how long, you little imp?). The others in the room express their surprise and disappointment. I look at no-one in particular and begin tying my shoe-laces.
Outside, he walks down the steps with me. He is not carrying his usual lunch-box. I notice it, but I walk out the main gate, as if I am lost in my own thoughts. Only then do I pretend to notice his empty hands. Acting surprised, I tell him, AOh! You forgot to bring your lunch-box. Run along now and fetch it.
He is not at all happy that I noticed the missing lunch-box. He was hoping I would become conscious of it only after we had gone some distance, far enough for him to avoid having to return home to fetch it. With a disgruntled look, he turns back. It seems as if his shoes are made of iron and, given the pull of the earth's gravity, it is difficult for him to take any step forward in its defiance. His face looks more downcast when he eventually returns with the lunch-box.
At this moment, I sense an anger rising within me. My mind is actually stung by my own failure to resolve the situation amicably. Without actually meaning to, I blurt out angrily, ADon’t you want to take your lunch to school as well?
He becomes speechless and, with great anguish, silently nods his head. I tell him, ATake it back if you really don't want to take it to school. He runs home again, extremely happy! His return, this time, is so unlike the earlier one.
What could, after all, be the reason behind this ambiguity? We both walk towards the city as my mind continues to tick. He glances up at me every now and then, perhaps wishing that I chatted with him as usual way while we proceeded along the road. (All right then, my son, let this be a clash of our personalities, if that is what you really want!)
How was the football game yesterday? Did you enjoy it?
No, our team lost.
(The dam inside him bursts open. He seems to realize that he has finally notched a victory in our struggle for supremacy today. He looks delighted! He thinks I have finally bowed down and conceded to all his demands since this morning!)
Why?
I don't know, they just couldn’t score. I felt humiliated in front of Shyame (Shyam is his friend from the neighborhood. Each one supported the opposing team).
That is the nature of the game. One side wins and the other loses. If one team did not lose, how can the other win? (While I may have quoted from the Book of Knowledge itself, I feel a pungent taste of my own failure lingering inside my mouth.) I now realize I have to apply a more direct approach.
Now, tell me, why did you not want to eat today, son?
I just don't feel like eating.
So what then? Are you not going to eat all day?
As far as possible, I won't. But, if I do get hungry, I shall buy something.
Where's the money?
I have some.
How much?
A rupee
“Who gave it to you?”
Thulo aunty
Where is it?
He pulls the money out of his pocket, and shows it to me. By now, I am on the verge of totally losing my own sanity. (So that's it, eh?). With great difficulty, I try to sound calm and composed as I tell him, Today you may have a rupee to spend, but what about tomorrow? Perhaps my voice still vibrated with the cadence of my inner rage, one which he senses. I put the money into my pocket. And I berate him for the rest of the trip. I don’t recall exactly what I told him, it was, after all, the rage inside me that was spewing out. I do recollect this much, however. I was going to punish him for his pride. Somewhere in my heart there was anguish for the disrespect he had shown; also possibly for the way he had challenged his father's hard-earned income with his own unexpected earning. Somewhere in my mind, I wanted him to stay hungry for the entire day so that he would understand the value of food and the agony of starvation. Maybe he would eventually realize how effortless it was to enjoy his father's income, and how equally difficult it was for his father to earn that very same money.
I did not give him the money at all.
He goes to school accepting his irrevocable defeat.
All day long, I become restless. I could not eat because his hungry face continued to stab me in my guts. All day long, memories of my own childhood kept appearing before my eyes. I recalled all those times when I had myself struggled with my father and other family elders. These memories haunted me like ghosts from the past, dancing incessantly in front of my blurry eyes.
All day, I continued to feel restless and uneasy. In the maelstrom of this discomfort, I eventually found myself in front of Mahankalsthan, just in time to see him ride back from school and step out the bus. Not wishing to disclose my presence, I deliberately stand a distance away. I want to pretend that our meeting is simply a mere coincidence. (Oh God, the weaknesses of man)
He arrives. His friends are with him. He is smiling. He looks active and energetic as he bids his friends goodbye.
I do act as if I am meeting him by accident.
Did you just arrive?
Yes.
Aren’t you hungry?
No.
Did you eat anything during the day?
No.
Nothing whatsoever?
No.
Not even water?
Of course I drank some water.
What did you have with the water?
I had nothing.
And you are not hungry at all?
No.
Maybe you shared some food with your friends?
Not a lot, just a few bites.
So that's why you're not hungry.
............
He is silent. He answers all my queries in a manner that signifies that these are not topics for conversation at all.
Can I go home now?, he asks.
Sure, do you want your rupee back?
Please add fifty paisa to it. I want to buy a comic book on my way home.
I give him the money. He looks delighted as he heads towards home. I watch him walk away, noticing the way he cheerfully swings his school bag. Among the crowd thronging about in New Road, he appears to me as a distinctively unique individual. He is different from everybody else, standing out alone like an illustrious personality. As if, deep within, he is now a complete human being.
I then understand the meaning behind his struggle for independence this morning.
He was seeking recognition for his own individualism. This was the first phase of his struggle for independence, outside the sphere of my own persona as his guardian and protector.
A son was trying to stand apart from his father, my own son.
My eyes fill up with tears.
That child in white shirt and blue shorts walking away from me has opened the door to his own epoch today. Today, he made demands for self-determination from his own father, and tomorrow, he will exact the same rights from the world at large.
And, as for these tears of mine, they are simply my offerings of homage to that time in the future when I will have ended my own while he, in turn, will be standing firm and tall upon this earth.
April 2007
New Jersey, USA
A Utopian Dream
As citizens of Nepal, we once took great pride in our native land and considered her to be the ultimate Shangri-La, a name coined by James Hilton in his famous 1939 novel, Lost Horizon. This sense of our self-esteem had been further reinforced by the throngs of western tourists who began to visit Nepal when we first opened our doors to the outside world during the late fifties. They found the diverse geography of our tiny kingdom both captivating and fascinating. Likewise, they also found us to be a well-knit group of peoples who, while struggling through life inside one of the poorest nations on earth, managed to nevertheless smile through all adversities and, in turn, shared our abundance of peace and harmony with all who came in contact with us.
If anyone thinks the same about our beloved homeland right now, he or she will definitely need medical help, most likely from a psychiatrist. The image of Nepal began to erode during the thirty years of the Panchayat regime. The sycophants who kowtowed to every whim of the royal palace and praised the royals to the high heavens also managed to fatten their own pockets by looting the nation in the guise of “democratically” elected politicians. They devoured the wealth of our motherland, not just economically but morally and socially as well. Amassing huge amounts of fortune at the expense of the oppressed and the demoralized majority became the norm for the elite few.
The successful movement for democracy in 1990 was naturally long overdue. And when the egalitarian system was eventually restored, we, the people, sensed that our aspirations for a better way of life were finally being realized. Sadly, however, it did not take long for us to recognize that our optimism turned out to be yet another pipe-dream. The newly elected leaders, whether Congress, Communist, or of any other ilk for that matter, entrusted with the responsibility to steer us out of troubled waters, only managed to direct our battered nation even closer to the eye of the storm. At the same time, they also miraculously managed, within months, to suddenly become affluent members of the society. We saw them and their coterie driving around the city in their Toyota Land-Cruisers and Mitsubishi Pajeros while also constructing marbled mansions on prime properties around Kathmandu. Within such a scenario, can we blame the misled and the exploited mass for being swayed by the incitements from Comrade Prachanda (Leader of the Maoist movement Pushpa Kamal Dahal)? The seed of the “People’s War” were sown by the royal toadies during the Panchayat era. It was then fertilized and watered by our own post-1990 democratic leaders. Mr. Dahal, to his credit, merely had the acuity to take advantage of the opportunity to nurture these kernels of dissidence into the escalation of a decade-long, full-scale, and bloody civil war.
Although the Maoists have now finally agreed to renounce violence as a means to justify their demands for a democratic society, the tug-of-war between the eight-party alliance for key (lucrative?) positions in the coalition government indicates that old habits does indeed die hard when it comes to our leaders’ lust for power and prestige. I am especially saddened by the infightings within the Congress Party. As an ardent admirer of the late B.P. Koirala, it pains me to see the Koirala kinfolk trying to covert such an esteemed party into a hereditary estate by appointing their own kith and kin to positions which rightfully belong to others who have sacrificed far more on behalf of both the party as well as the nation. Ironically, these shenanigans are taking place just when just about the entire nation has decided that they have had enough of dynastic supremacy in any form or shape that would govern their emancipated lives.
Under such a state of affairs, I wonder what, if anything at all, can be done to steer our nation back once again towards genuine peace and prosperity. At this moment, the reality on the ground is so dismal that I, for one, can only afford to dream about how much brighter our days ahead could be.
And in this dream I see a nation which can not only sustain itself but even flourish and prosper without a decadent monarchy, even a ceremonial one. We can certainly do very well without a megalomaniac who likes to flaunt his inflated ego by having military generals act like his personal batmen and even tie his shoe-laces in public. For over half a century now following the ousting of the Rana oligarchs, barring King Birendra to a certain degree, the Shah rulers have quite clearly indicated that they are really not at all that concerned about the well-being of their subjects. Instead, they have relied on the exclusive support of the army in order to remain adhered to the throne. We could have done well with a sovereign like King Bhumibol of Thailand who, even after more than six decades on the throne, remains just as admired and venerated today as he always has been.
In this very dream, I also see the Nepal Army finally making an all out effort to emulate the Indian Army which, unlike their opposite number in Pakistan, has steadfastly remained honorably apolitical through good times and bad for over fifty years now. Likewise, in this dream I envision all politicians and bureaucrats in Nepal following on the foot-steps of titans like Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and even our own home-grown B.P Koirala. These self-less leaders never allowed power to corrupt them or make them deviate from their true callings. In this very same dream, I also anticipate that our Fourth Estate will be totally dedicated towards keeping us well informed and educated about events that truly affect and enhance our daily lives, without bowing to vested interests and feeding us with a daily dose of biases, character assassinations, and politically slanted opinions and rhetoric.
And, lastly, I dream of a motherland where all inhabitants are honestly striving to not only make their own lives better but also contributing towards augmenting the lives of all others around them. Japan was, after all, in ruins immediately after the end of World War Two. In less than five decades, this nation rose back from the ashes like the Phoenix and became a global powerhouse once again. Wouldn’t you agree that this is simply a reflection of the determination, perseverance, and unity among the Japanese people? So what is there to prevent us in Nepal from being just as resolute, focused, and persistent in order to achieve a truly egalitarian society in Nepal?
Many among you may very likely conclude that my reverie is nothing but a utopian dream that has absolutely no similitude to the tangible realities on the ground. You may even presume that I am merely fantasizing about a Shangri-La that could never again define our destitute and doomed nation. Some may even interpret my views as merely a ranting of a disillusioned man. You may be right because, at the moment, I am indeed a tad cynical and disenchanted. But I can assure you that I am not as disillusioned as I may seem. You see, I still believe that if all of us were to aspire for the same dream, that of making Nepal a better place for all, perhaps it could actually be realized? Therefore, I persist to remain optimistic about brighter days ahead. My glass continues to remain half full, not half empty. Cheers!!
June 2007
New Jersey, USA
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Don't stay late in office
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The Birth Of A Man-by Maxim Gorky
The year was the year '92-- the year of leanness--the scene a spot between Sukhum and Otchenchiri, on the river Kodor, a spot so near to the sea that amid the joyous babble of a sparkling rivulet the ocean's deep-voiced thunder was plainly distinguishable.
Also, the season being autumn, leaves of wild laurel were glistening and gyrating on the white foam of the Kodor like a quantity of mercurial salmon fry. And as I sat on some rocks overlooking the river there occurred to me the thought that, as likely as not, the cause of the gulls' and cormorants' fretful cries where the surf lay moaning behind a belt of trees to the right was that, like myself, they kept mistaking the leaves for fish, and as often finding themselves disappointed.
Over my head hung chestnut trees decked with gold; at my feet lay a mass of chestnut leaves which resembled the amputated palms of human hands; on the opposite bank, where there waved, tanglewise, the stripped branches of a hornbeam, an orange-tinted woodpecker was darting to and fro, as though caught in the mesh of foliage, and, in company with a troupe of nimble titmice and blue tree-creepers (visitors from the far-distant North), tapping the bark of the stem with a black beak, and hunting for insects.
To the left, the tops of the mountains hung fringed with dense, fleecy clouds of the kind which presages rain; and these clouds were sending their shadows gliding over slopes green and overgrown with boxwood and that peculiar species of hollow beech-stump which once came near to effecting the downfall of Pompey's host, through depriving his iron-built legions of the use of their legs as they revelled in the intoxicating sweetness of the " mead " or honey which wild bees make from the blossoms of the laurel and the azalea, and travellers still gather from those hollow stems to knead into lavashi or thin cakes of millet flour.
On the present occasion I too (after suffering sundry stings from infuriated bees) was thus engaged as I sat on the rocks beneath the chestnuts. Dipping morsels of bread into a potful of honey, I was munching them for breakfast, and enjoying, at the same time, the indolent beams of the moribund autumn sun.
In the fall of the year the Caucasus resembles a gorgeous cathedral built by great craftsmen (always great craftsmen are great sinners) to conceal their past from the prying eyes of conscience. Which cathedral is a sort of intangible edifice of gold and turquoise and emerald, and has thrown over its hills rare carpets silk-embroidered by Turcoman weavers of Shemi and Samarkand, and contains, heaped everywhere, plunder brought from all the quarters of the world for the delectation of the sun. Yes, it is as though men sought to say to the Sun God: " All things here are thine. They have been brought hither for thee by thy people."
Yes, mentally I see long-bearded, grey-headed supermen, beings possessed of the rounded eyes of happy children, descending from the hills, and decking the earth, and sowing it with sheerly kaleidoscopic treasures, and coating the tops of the mountains with massive layers of silver, and the lower edges with a living web of trees. Yes, I see those beings decorating and fashioning the scene until, thanks to their labours, this gracious morsel of the earth has become fair beyond all conception.
And what a privilege it is to be human! How much that is wonderful leaps to the eye-how the presence of beauty causes. the heart to throb with a voluptuous rapture that is almost pain!
And though there are occasions when life seems hard, and the breast feels filled with fiery rancour, and melancholy dries and renders athirst the heart's blood, this is not a mood sent us in perpetuity. For at times even the sun may feel sad as he contemplates men, and sees that, despite all that he has done for them, they have done so little in return. . . .
No, it is not that good folk are lacking. It is that they need to be rounded off--better still, to be made anew.
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Suddenly there came into view over the bushes to my left a file of dark heads, while through the surging of the waves and the babble of the stream I caught the sound of human voices, a sound emanating from a party of " famine people " or folk who were journeying from Sukhum to Otchenchiri to obtain work on a local road then in process of construction.
The owners of the voices I knew to be immigrants from the province of Orlov. I knew them to be so for the reason that I myself had lately been working in company with the male members of the party, and had taken leave of them only yesterday in order that I might set out earlier than they, and, after walking through the night, greet the sun when he should arise above the sea.
The members of the party comprised four men and a woman--the latter a young female with high cheek-bones, a figure swollen with manifest pregnancy, and a pair of greyish-blue eyes that had fixed in them a stare of apprehension. At the present moment her head and yellow scarf were just showing over the tops of the bushes; and while I noted that now it was swaying from side to side like a sunflower shaken by the wind, I recalled the fact that she was a woman whose husband had been carried off at Sukhum by a surfeit of fruit--this fact being known to me through the circumstance that in the workmen's barraque where we had shared quarters these folk had observed the good old Russian custom of confiding to a stranger the whole of their troubles, and had done so in tones of such amplitude and penetration that the querulous words must have been audible for five versts around.
And as I had talked to these forlorn people, these human beings who lay crushed beneath the misfortune which had uprooted them from their barren and exhausted lands, and blown them, like autumn leaves, towards the Caucasus where nature's luxuriant, but unfamiliar, aspect had blinded and bewildered them, and with its onerous conditions of labour quenched their last spark of courage; as I had talked to these poor people I had seen them glancing about with dull, troubled, despondent eyes, and heard them say to one another softly, and with pitiful smiles:
"What a country!"
"Aye,-- that it is !--a country to make one sweat!"
"As hard as a stone it is!"
"Aye, an evil country! "
After which they had gone on to speak of their native haunts, where every handful of soil had represented to them the dust of their ancestors, and every grain of that soil had been watered with the sweat of their brows, and become charged with dear and intimate recollections.
Previously there had joined the party a woman who, tall and straight, had had breasts as flat as a board, and jawbones like the jawbones of a horse, and a glance in her dull, sidelong black eyes like a gleaming, smouldering fire.
And every evening this woman had been wont to step outside the barraque with the woman in the yellow scarf and to seat herself on a rubbish heap, and, resting her cheeks on the palms of her hands, and inclining her head sideways, to sing in a high and shrewish voice:
Usually her companion, the woman in the yellow scarf, had, with head bent forward and eyes fixed upon her stomach, remained silent; but on rare, unexpected occasions she had, in the hoarse, sluggish voice of a peasant, sung a song with the sobbing refrain:
Nor amid the stifling blackness of the southern night had these voices ever failed to bring back to my memory the snowy wastes of the North, and the icy, wailing storm-wind, and the distant howling of unseen wolves.
In time, the squint-eyed woman had been taken ill of a fever, and removed to the town in a tilted ambulance; and as she had lain quivering and moaning on the stretcher she had seemed still to be singing her little ditty about the graveyard and the sand.
The head with the yellow scarf rose, dipped, and disappeared.
After I had finished my breakfast I thatched the honey-pot with some leaves, fastened down the lid, and indolently resumed my way in the wake of the party, my blackthorn staff tiptapping against the hard tread of the track as I proceeded.
The track loomed-- a grey, narrow strip-- before me, while on my right the restless, dark blue sea had the air of being ceaselessly planed by thousands of invisible carpenters; so regularly did the stress of a wind as moist and sweet and warm as the breath of a healthy woman cause ever-rustling curls of foam to drift towards the beach. Also, careening on to its port quarter under a full set of bellying sails, a Turkish felucca was gliding towards Sukhum; and, as it held on its course, it put me in mind of a certain pompous engineer of the town who had been wont to inflate his fat cheeks and say: " Be quiet, you, or I will have you locked up! " This man had, for some reason or another, an extraordinary weakness for causing arrests to be made; and, exceedingly do I rejoice to think that by now the worms of the graveyard must have consumed him down to the very marrow of his bones. Would that certain other acquaintances of mine were similarly receiving beneficent attention!
Walking proved an easy enough task, for I seemed to be borne on air, while a chorus of pleasant thoughts, of many-coloured recollections, kept singing gently in my breast--a chorus resembling, indeed, the white-maned billows in the regularity with which now it rose, and now it fell, to reveal in, as it were, soft, peaceful depths the bright, supple hopes of youth, like so many silver fish cradled in the bosom of the ocean.
Suddenly, as it trended seawards, the road executed a half-turn, and skirted a strip of the sandy margin to which the waves kept rolling in such haste. And in that spot even the bushes seemed to have a mind to look the waves in the eyes--so strenuously did they lean across the riband-like path, and nod in the direction of the blue, watery waste, while from the hills a wind was blowing that presaged rain.
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But hark! From some point among the bushes a low moan arose--the sound which never fails to thrill the soul and move it to responsive quivers!
Thrusting aside the foliage, I beheld before me the woman in the yellow scarf. Seated with her back resting against the stem of a hazel-bush, she had her head sunken deeply between her shoulders, her mouth hideously agape, her eyes staring vaguely before her, her hands pressed to her swollen stomach, her breath issuing with unnatural vehemence, and her abdomen convulsively, spasmodically rising and falling. Meanwhile from her throat were issuing moans which at times caused her yellow teeth to show bare like those of a wolf.
"What is the matter?" I said as I bent over her. "Has anyone assaulted you?"
The only result was that, shuffling bare feet in the sand like a fly, she shook her nerveless hand, and gasped:
"Away, villain! Away with you!"
Then I understood what was the matter, for I had seen a similar case before. Yet for the moment a certain feeling of shyness made me edge away from her a little; and as I did so, she uttered a prolonged moan, and her almost bursting eyeballs vented hot, murky tears which trickled down her tense and livid features.
Thereupon I turned to her again, and, throwing down cooking-pot, teapot, and wallet, laid her on her back, and strove to bend her knees upwards in the direction of her body. Meanwhile she sought to repel me with blows on face and breast, and at length rolled on to her stomach. Then, raising herself on all fours, she, sobbing, gasping, and cursing in a breath, crawled away like a bear into a remoter portion of the thicket.
"Beast!" she panted. "Oh, you devil!"
Yet, even as the words escaped her lips, her arms gave way beneath her, and she collapsed upon her face, with legs stretched out, and her lips emitting a fresh series of convulsive moans.
Excited now to fever pitch, I hurriedly recalled my small store of knowledge of such cases and finally decided to turn her on her back, and, as before, to strive to bend her knees upwards in the direction of her body. Already signs of imminent parturition were not wanting.
"Lie still," I said, "and if you do that it will not be long before you are delivered of the child."
Whereafter, running down to the sea, I pulled up my sleeves, and, on returning, embarked upon my role, of accoucheur.
Scoring the earth with her fingers, uprooting tufts of withered grass, and struggling to thrust them into her mouth, scattering soil over her terrible, inhuman face and bloodshot eyes, the woman writhed like a strip of birch bark in a wood fire. Indeed, by this time a little head was coming into view, and it needed all my efforts to quell the twitchings of her legs, to help the child to issue, and to prevent its mother from thrusting grass down her distorted, moaning throat. Meanwhile we cursed one another-- she through her teeth, and I in an undertone; she, I should surmise, out of pain and shame, and I, I feel certain, out of nervousness, mingled with a perfect agony of compassion.
"O Lord!" she gasped with blue lips flecked with foam as her eyes (suddenly bereft of their colour in the sunlight) shed tears born of the intolerable anguish of the maternal function, and her body writhed and twisted as though her frame had been severed in the middle.
"Away, you brute!" was her oft-repeated cry as with her weak hands, hands seemingly dislocated at the wrists, she strove to thrust me to a distance. Yet all the time I kept saying persuasively: "You fool! Bring forth as quickly as you can!" and, as a matter of fact, was feeling so sorry for her that tears continued to spurt from my eyes as much as from hers, and my very heart contracted with pity. Also, never did I cease to feel that I ought to keep saying something; wherefore, I repeated, and again repeated: "Now then! Bring forth as quickly as ever you can!"
And at last my hands did indeed hold a human creature in all its pristine beauty. Nor could even the mist of tears prevent me from seeing that that human creature was red in the face, and that to judge from the manner in which it kept kicking and resisting and uttering hoarse wails (while still bound to its mother by the ligament), it was feeling dissatisfied in advance with the world. Yes, blue-eyed, and with a nose absurdly sunken between a pair of scarlet, rumpled cheeks and lips which ceaselessly quivered and contracted, it kept bawling: "A-aah! A-a-ah!"
Moreover, so slippery was it that, as I knelt and looked at it and laughed with relief at the fact that it had arrived safely, I came near to letting it fall upon the ground: wherefore I entirely forgot what next I ought to have done.
"Cut it!" at length whispered the mother with eyes closed, and features suddenly swollen and resembling those of a corpse.
"A knife!" again she whispered with her livid lips. "Cut it!"
My pocket-knife I had had stolen from me in the workmen's barraque; but with my teeth I severed the caul, and then the child gave renewed tongue in true Orlovian fashion, while the mother smiled. Also, in some curious fashion, the mother's unfathomable eyes regained their colour, and became filled as with blue fire as, plunging a hand into her bodice and feeling for the pocket, she contrived to articulate with raw and blood-flecked lips:
"I have not a single piece of string or riband to bind the caul with."
Upon that I set to, and managed to produce a piece of riband, and to fasten it in the required position.
Thereafter she smiled more brightly than ever. So radiantly did she smile that my eyes came near to being blinded with the spectacle.
"And now rearrange yourself," I said, "and in the meanwhile I will go and wash the baby."
"Yes, yes," she murmured uneasily. "But be very careful with him--be very gentle."
Yet it was little enough care that the rosy little homunculus seemed to require, so strenuously did he clench his fists, and bawl as though he were minded to challenge the whole world to combat.
"Come, now!" at length I said. "You must have done, or your very head will drop off."
Yet no sooner did he feel the touch of the ocean spray, and begin to be sprinkled With its joyous caresses, than he lamented more loudly and vigorously than ever, and so continued throughout the process of being slapped on the back and breast as, frowning and struggling, he vented squall after squall while the waves laved his tiny limbs.
"Shout, young Orlovian!" said I encouragingly. "Let fly with all the power of your lungs!"
And with that, I took him back to his mother. I found her with eyes closed and lips drawn between her teeth as she writhed in the torment of expelling the after-birth. But presently I detected through the sighs and groans a whispered:
"Give him to me! Give him to me!"
"You had better wait a little," I urged.
"Oh no! Give him to me now!"
And with tremulous, unsteady hands she unhooked the bosom of her bodice, and, freeing (with my assistance) the breast which nature had prepared for at least a dozen children, applied the mutinous young Orlovian to the nipple. As for him, he at once understood the matter, and ceased to send forth further lamentation.
"O pure and holy Mother of God!" she gasped in a long-drawn, quivering sigh as she bent a dishevelled head over the little one, and, between intervals of silence, fell to uttering soft, abrupt exclamations. Then, opening her ineffably beautiful blue eyes, the hallowed eyes of a mother, she raised them towards the azure heavens, while in their depths there was coming and going a flame of joy and gratitude. Lastly, lifting a languid hand, she with a slow movement made the sign of the cross over both herself and her babe.
"Thanks to thee O purest Mother of God!" she murmured. "Thanks indeed to thee!"
Then her eyes grew dim and vague again, and after a pause (during which she seemed to be scarcely breathing) she said in a hard and matter-of-fact tone:
"Young fellow, unfasten my satchel."
And whilst I was so engaged she continued to regard me with a steady gaze; but, when the task was completed she smiled shamefacedly, and on her sunken cheeks and sweat-flecked temples there dawned the ghost of a blush.
"Now," said she, "do you, for the present, go away."
"And if I do so, see that in the meanwhile you do not move about too much."
"No, I will not. But please go away."
So I withdrew a little. In my breast a sort of weariness was lurking, but also in my breast there was echoing a soft and glorious chorus of birds, a chorus so exquisitely in accord with the never-ceasing splash of the sea that for ever could I have listened to it, and to the neighbouring brook as it purled on its way like a maiden engaged in relating confidences about her lover.
Presently, the woman's yellow-scarfed head (the scarf now tidily rearranged) reappeared over the bushes.
"Come, come, good woman!" was my exclamation. "I tell you that you must not move about so soon."
And certainly her attitude now was one of utter languor, and she had perforce to grasp the stem of a bush with one hand to support herself. Yet while the blood was gone from her face, there had formed in the hollows where her eyes had been two lakes of blue.
"See how he is sleeping!" she murmured.
And, true enough, the child was sound asleep, though to my eyes he looked much as any other baby might have done, save that the couch of autumn leaves on which he was ensconced consisted of leaves of a kind which could not have been discovered in the faraway forests of Orlov.
"Now, do you yourself lie down awhile," was my advice.
"Oh, no," she replied with a shake of her head on its sinuous neck; "for I must be collecting my things before I move on towards--"
"Towards Otchenchiri"
"Yes. By now my folk will have gone many a verst in that direction."
"And can you walk so far? "
"The Holy Mother will help me."
Yes, she was to journey in the company of the Mother of God. So no more on the point required to be said.
Glancing again at the tiny, inchoate face under the bushes, her eyes diffused rays of warm and kindly light as, licking her lips, she, with a slow movement, smoothed the breast of the little one.
Then I arranged sticks for a fire, and also adjusted stones to support the kettle.
"Soon I will have tea ready for you," I remarked.
"And thankful indeed I shall be," she responded, "for my breasts are dried up."
"Why have your companions deserted you?" I said next.
"They have not deserted me. It was I that left them of my own accord. How could I have exposed myself in their presence?"
And with a glance at me she raised a hand to her face as, spitting a gout of blood, she smiled a sort of bashful smile.
"This is your first child, I take it?"
"It is. . . . And who are you?"
"A man."
"Yes, a man, of course; but, are you a MARRIED man? "
"No, I have never been able to marry."
"That cannot be true."
"Why not?"
With lowered eyes she sat awhile in thought.
"Because, if so, how do you come to know so much about women's affairs?"
This time I DID lie, for I replied:
"Because they have been my study. In fact, I am a medical student."
"Ah! Our priest's son also was a student, but a student for the Church."
"Very well. Then you know what I am. Now I will go and fetch some water."
Upon this she inclined her head towards her little son and listened for a moment to his breathing. Then she said with a glance towards the sea:
"I too should like to have a wash, but I do not know what the water is like. What is it? Brackish or salt?"
"No; quite good water--fit for you to wash in."
"Is it really?"
"Yes, really. Moreover, it is warmer than the water of the streams hereabouts, which is as cold as ice."
"Ah! Well, you know best."
Here a shaggy-eared pony, all skin and bone, was seen approaching us at a foot's pace. Trembling, and drooping its head, it scanned us, as it drew level, with a round black eye, and snorted. Upon that, its rider pushed back a ragged fur cap, glanced warily in our direction, and again sank his head.
"The folk of these parts are ugly to look at," softly commented the woman from Orlov.
Then I departed in quest of water. After I had washed my face and hands I filled the kettle from a stream bright and lively as quicksilver (a stream presenting, as the autumn leaves tossed in the eddies which went leaping and singing over the stones, a truly enchanting spectacle), and, returning, and peeping through the bushes, perceived the woman to be crawling on hands and knees over the stones, and anxiously peering about, as though in search of something.
"What is it? " I inquired, and thereupon, turning grey in the face with confusion she hastened to conceal some article under her person, although I had already guessed the nature of the article.
"Give it to me," was my only remark. "I will go and bury it."
"How so? For, as a matter of fact, it ought to be buried under the floor in front of some stove."
"Are we to build a stove HERE? Build it in five minutes?" I retorted.
"Ah, I was jesting. But really, I would rather not have it buried here, lest some wild beast should come and devour it. . . Yet it ought to be committed only to the earth."
That said, she, with averted eyes, handed me a moist and heavy bundle; and as she did so she said under her breath, with an air of confusion:
"I beg of you for Christ's sake to bury it as well, as deeply, as you can. Out of pity for my son do as I bid you."
I did as she had requested; and, just as the task had been completed, I perceived her returning from the margin of the sea with unsteady gait, and an arm stretched out before her, and a petticoat soaked to the middle with the sea water. Yet all her face was alight with inward fire, and as I helped her to regain the spot where I had prepared some sticks I could not help reflecting with some astonishment:
"How strong indeed she is!"
Next, as we drank a mixture of tea and honey, she inquired:
"Have you now ceased to be a student?"
"Yes."
"And why so? Through too much drink? "
"Even so, good mother."
"Dear me! Well, your face is familiar to me. Yes, I remember that I noticed you in Sukhum when once you were arguing with the barraque superintendent over the question of rations. As I did so the thought occurred to me: 'Surely that bold young fellow must have gone and spent his means on drink? Yes, that is how it must be.'"
Then, as from her swollen lips she licked a drop of honey, she again bent her blue eyes in the direction of the bush under which the slumbering, newly-arrived Orlovian was couched.
"How will he live?" thoughtfully she said with a sigh--then added:
"You have helped me, and I thank you. Yes, my thanks are yours, though I cannot tell whether or not your assistance will have helped HIM."
And, drinking the rest of her tea, she ate a morsel of bread, then made the sign of the cross. And subsequently, as I was putting up my things, she continued to rock herself to and fro, to give little starts and cries, and to gaze thoughtfully at the ground with eyes which had now regained their original colour. At last she rose to her feet.
"You are not going yet? " I queried protestingly.
"Yes, I must."
"But--"
"The Blessed Virgin will go with me. So please hand me over the child."
"No, I will carry him."
And, after a contest for the honour, she yielded, and we walked away side by side.
"I only wish I were a little steadier on my feet," she remarked with an apologetic smile as she laid a hand upon my shoulder,
Meanwhile, the new citizen of Russia, the little human being of an unknown future, was snoring soundly in my arms as the sea plashed and murmured, and threw off its white shavings, and the bushes whispered together, and the sun (now arrived at the meridian) shone brightly upon us all.
In calm content it was that we walked; save that now and then the mother would halt, draw a deep breath, raise her head, scan the sea and the forest and the hills, and peer into her son's face. And as she did so, even the mist begotten of tears of suffering could not dim the wonderful brilliancy and clearness of her eyes. For with the sombre fire of inexhaustible love were those eyes aflame.
Once, as she halted, she exclaimed:
"0 God, 0 Mother of God, how good it all is! Would that for ever I could walk thus, yes, walk and walk unto the very end of the world! All that I should need would be that thou, my son, my darling son, shouldst, borne upon thy mother's breast, grow and wax strong!"
-THE END-
Maxim Gorky's short story: The Birth Of A Man